Grief, Social Media, and Healing

It seems to have been a long journey from October to November. Slowly, I can feel my body going back to its pre-pregnancy state, going through a lot of adjustment. Though I'm not yet 100%. There are times when my limbs still feel weak after going through labor and delivery. They say it normally takes six weeks for recovery after childbirth, but it takes a lot longer to feel like yourself again.

I'm not sure though if I can feel like my old self again - that jolly person with outbursts of energy while being with friends, workmates, or those closest to me. After losing our premature baby, the idea of joy and laughter seems so far away. I also don't have the ability to engage with social media posts yet, liking baby pictures or giving a heart reaction to my friends' happy moments because though I love to see them and what's happening with their lives, deep inside, I'm hurting - even crying at random baby pictures online.

Well meaning friends consoled me and mentioned trying to conceive again. However, I want to make sure that I have healed physically and that we as a couple have healed emotionally before doing so. A lot has happened this year. We only waited six months after getting married, before getting pregnant amid the pandemic. Perhaps we can use some time during this maternity leave to get away. We need to take it slow and focus on our well-being first.

Others also reached out to me personally to share their experiences of miscarriage. We've heard similar stories of celebrities such as Alex Gonzaga and Heart Evangelista. I have this idea that no matter at what point during the pregnancy you lose the baby, it still means pain and grief.

What makes my experience different though, is that my body went through more changes as we reached the second trimester. It will then take longer to recover. We have a little bit more memories up to the point of knowing the baby's gender. My breasts also hurt for a week after giving birth because it's supposed to produce milk. Add to this postpartum bleeding and remembering that oh, we already bought those little white clothes, boots, mittens, and hats. There's a swaddling blanket too.

My husband and I will treasure this memory still. It is etched in our hearts and together, we will survive this. Christmas will remind us that Christ is at the center of it all, and that we can look forward with hope.