A Level-Headed Reflection on Why We’re Not Meant to “B”
This will be my last post about you. And I’ll do it conscientiously since this is... ya, public domain.
I admit that I had mistakes too. Like, writing frequently about my memories. You could blame me for indulging in the past, while you indulged in your present. What I wrote might have seemed false impressions to you, but they’re true to me, though painful. I faced them with all the love that’s left. If I hadn’t loved you more, I could have broken down. I could have not respected your name. That love kept me going, as I promised it would.
People develop mechanisms of defense when they are badly hurt. When they are told lies. You said I was fabricating my own versions of OUR story. Perhaps I did in conversations, but only to defend you. Readers of this blog meanwhile, viewed my writings as sources of comic relief. It was really meant to relieve something, you know.
But I felt that it’s high time to humble myself too – not because of the words you threw, but because that is what my hero, Jesus, told me. I can be the kontrabida that the situation demanded of me, but I chose not to. For the longest time that I shut myself up at home, my mom and I had a heart-to-heart talk. I tried my best so that she'd still remember you as the man who truly loved her daughter. You deserve that. I will always believe you did. She also knew that you're getting married. Nagulat pero sinabi kong wala naman 'yon sa haba ng isang relasyon. Alam mo lang 'pag siya na talaga.
When we broke up, I thought that it was in a way sacrificial. You... thinking about my future. Our future together. Bago ka lumayo, sinabi mong sapat na ang mga sakripisyo ko. Lagi na lang naghihintay. Tanong mo, anong gagawin ko kapag nawala ka na? Iiyak na lang ba ako palagi? Kaya akala ko, kahit masakit, ginawa mo lang ‘to ngayon para makalaya na ‘ko sa pag-asang nagkulong sa akin sa mahabang panahon.
I got over the pain. Pero minsan pinagdarasal ko na maramdaman ko uli ‘yung sakit. Na bumalik ‘yung dating ako. Hindi ko alam kung manhid ako tulad ng sinabi mo, o talagang hindi mo na ako nakikilala.
Noon, itinuro mo sa aking mas ok maging pesimistiko. Pero umaasa ako na sa tagal ng pagkakaibigan natin, naituro ko naman sa 'yo kung paanong tumingin sa mundo gamit ang puso. You've had a good start, finding your great love. And still, I'd believe in mine.
What happened teaches us an important thing: We could have done better. Might have been more open-minded. What comforts me is that I’ve done my part, spending time to analyze the situation, including myself. Pero siguro mabuti rin kung sinunod ko ang sinabi mong iwasan na kita, dahil nung nagtangka akong kausapin ka nang may mabuting intensyon, nabigyan pa rin ng ibang kahulugan. (Minsan, feeling gwapo ka talaga.)
I already said goodbye to you. Memories remain and we can't blame anyone.
I regret it. We did not prove to the world that we are meant to “B.” B means something immoral to me now. Guess you knew the word.
I admit that I had mistakes too. Like, writing frequently about my memories. You could blame me for indulging in the past, while you indulged in your present. What I wrote might have seemed false impressions to you, but they’re true to me, though painful. I faced them with all the love that’s left. If I hadn’t loved you more, I could have broken down. I could have not respected your name. That love kept me going, as I promised it would.
People develop mechanisms of defense when they are badly hurt. When they are told lies. You said I was fabricating my own versions of OUR story. Perhaps I did in conversations, but only to defend you. Readers of this blog meanwhile, viewed my writings as sources of comic relief. It was really meant to relieve something, you know.
But I felt that it’s high time to humble myself too – not because of the words you threw, but because that is what my hero, Jesus, told me. I can be the kontrabida that the situation demanded of me, but I chose not to. For the longest time that I shut myself up at home, my mom and I had a heart-to-heart talk. I tried my best so that she'd still remember you as the man who truly loved her daughter. You deserve that. I will always believe you did. She also knew that you're getting married. Nagulat pero sinabi kong wala naman 'yon sa haba ng isang relasyon. Alam mo lang 'pag siya na talaga.
When we broke up, I thought that it was in a way sacrificial. You... thinking about my future. Our future together. Bago ka lumayo, sinabi mong sapat na ang mga sakripisyo ko. Lagi na lang naghihintay. Tanong mo, anong gagawin ko kapag nawala ka na? Iiyak na lang ba ako palagi? Kaya akala ko, kahit masakit, ginawa mo lang ‘to ngayon para makalaya na ‘ko sa pag-asang nagkulong sa akin sa mahabang panahon.
I got over the pain. Pero minsan pinagdarasal ko na maramdaman ko uli ‘yung sakit. Na bumalik ‘yung dating ako. Hindi ko alam kung manhid ako tulad ng sinabi mo, o talagang hindi mo na ako nakikilala.
Noon, itinuro mo sa aking mas ok maging pesimistiko. Pero umaasa ako na sa tagal ng pagkakaibigan natin, naituro ko naman sa 'yo kung paanong tumingin sa mundo gamit ang puso. You've had a good start, finding your great love. And still, I'd believe in mine.
What happened teaches us an important thing: We could have done better. Might have been more open-minded. What comforts me is that I’ve done my part, spending time to analyze the situation, including myself. Pero siguro mabuti rin kung sinunod ko ang sinabi mong iwasan na kita, dahil nung nagtangka akong kausapin ka nang may mabuting intensyon, nabigyan pa rin ng ibang kahulugan. (Minsan, feeling gwapo ka talaga.)
I already said goodbye to you. Memories remain and we can't blame anyone.
I regret it. We did not prove to the world that we are meant to “B.” B means something immoral to me now. Guess you knew the word.
